[the admission is quiet, and not something he's even shared with Tadashi. it's not fully admitting it, either, at least not saying it aloud, but by the way he pulls his hand back, the way he wipes at his face...
that's something, all right. he lowers his hand and lets it fall in to his lap, considering leaving things like that.
instead, he speaks again.]
...when I had my chance to convince Yama I was willing to work for him, I had to work with some of those men. And...others. I had to make myself at least civil with them, because Yama only allowed so much infighting. So I found ways to make myself numb, telling myself over and over it was so I could set things up so that Tadashi and I could escape from that place.
I made myself numb to a lot of things. [he blinks down at his hands, palm-up in his lap, and then closes them slowly] I told myself I had to, that it'd all be worth it in the end if I just...if I just did them right and didn't mess up.
[like tonight. he squeezes his hands, then relaxes them, letting out a shaking breath]
...Back in there, you asked what Abigail would think. I think...if she knew what I'd allowed to happen, and what I'd done, she'd probably think I was as bad as any of them. And...I think she'd be right.
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carisma_sensei
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Date: 2015-05-10 04:52 am (UTC)[the admission is quiet, and not something he's even shared with Tadashi. it's not fully admitting it, either, at least not saying it aloud, but by the way he pulls his hand back, the way he wipes at his face...
that's something, all right. he lowers his hand and lets it fall in to his lap, considering leaving things like that.
instead, he speaks again.]
...when I had my chance to convince Yama I was willing to work for him, I had to work with some of those men. And...others. I had to make myself at least civil with them, because Yama only allowed so much infighting. So I found ways to make myself numb, telling myself over and over it was so I could set things up so that Tadashi and I could escape from that place.
I made myself numb to a lot of things. [he blinks down at his hands, palm-up in his lap, and then closes them slowly] I told myself I had to, that it'd all be worth it in the end if I just...if I just did them right and didn't mess up.
[like tonight. he squeezes his hands, then relaxes them, letting out a shaking breath]
...Back in there, you asked what Abigail would think. I think...if she knew what I'd allowed to happen, and what I'd done, she'd probably think I was as bad as any of them. And...I think she'd be right.